Just Keep Breathing
by blue peanut m and m
Summary: He thought he'd left it all behind when he'd walked away from the hunting life, but a blast from the past changes all of that, and thrusts Sam back into the life he had so hoped to put behind him. Happy Birthday Darksupernatural.
1. Chapter 1

**Just Keep Breathing.**

**Summary. . . . . . . . . . . He thought he'd left it all behind when he'd walked away from that bench and turned his back on Dean and the hunting life, but a blast from the past changes all of that, and thrusts Sam back into the life he had so hoped to put behind him, forcing him to make a tough decision. Will he make the right call? And just how much will that call cost him?**

**Disclaimer. . . . . . . . . . Still Kripke's, but being the kind man he is, he's allowing me to play in his sandbox.**

**A.N. . . . . . . . . Well what can I say? Happy Birthday Darksupernatural just doesn't seem to be enough. I hope you have a great day Sis, I'm only sorry that I can't be there to help you celebrate it. Love ya, and I hope you enjoy the fic.**

**To everyone else, DS's prompt will be in the final chapter so you can decide if I did it justice then. The lyrics used in all chapters and the title of the fic come from the song Far Away by Nickleback, who I also don't own. Thank you so much for taking time out to read. Enjoy, Peanut x**

A chorus of laughter, and a bouquet of perfume drifted across the night time air as multiple doors opened, and then quickly closed, on an older, yet pristine deep purple Dodge Charger, as five woman climbed out. The women gathered at the front, sorting out coats and bags, checking make up and hair, before slowly making their way towards their usual Saturday night destination. They ignored the line up, greeting the bouncers by name, a few of them pressing quick kisses to their cheeks, and made their way through the thick front doors, and into the only decent bar for miles around.

Checking in their coats, two of them headed for the bar, whilst the rest aimed for the semi circle booth that was always reserved for them, greeting a few people along the way before sliding into the plush leather seats. Men came to their booth, some they knew and greeted accordingly, others drifted away after they were ignored, or told in no uncertain terms to beat it. The three of them noticed the change as their two friends returned with their drinks, noticed the twinkling within their eyes as they sat down. They waited until their ritual toast for a good night was finished before firing the first question.

"So? What's up" Jean asked, pushing a loose strand of her brunette hair out of her eyes as she did so.

"What do you mean?" June replied, her grey blue eyes still twinkling.

"You go off to the bar and come back like a dog in heat, that's what we mean." Kristy stated, her blonde hair swaying on her shoulders as she shook her head at her best friends shocked eyes and mock hurt expression.

"Well." Nicole started, her brown eyes catching those of her friend sitting opposite, who was privy to what she had just seen. "There's a new barman, and boy oh boy is he something."

"We should have known. It's always a man." Lee stated from the back of the booth, her blonde tresses loosely pinned up. She sat back as the others discussed the new "meat", sipping from her drink and allowing the music to drown out their lewd thoughts. Although she had known her friends for close to five years now, and loved them all dearly, them being the closest thing she had to family, she never could loosen up enough to allow herself to fall into the discussions they had constantly about men. Too many memories surfaced, and the pain they created was not worth it, so she took a back seat and allowed them to ramble on. They had tried in the past to get her to join in, they'd even tried setting her up on the odd blind date, but the dates were refused, and with time they learned to carry on without her, she didn't mind, and with time they realized that they weren't offending her, or spoiling her fun by not including her.

Lee was pulled out of her daze as Kristy tapped her shoulder. "We're done discussing him, you can snap out of it now. From what they say though, he'd be ideal for you."

Lee bumped her friends shoulder and laughed as she replied. "You think everyone is ideal for me."

"Well it's not right that you should be alone." She stopped as she saw what her words were doing to her friend. "I'm sorry, I. . . . . .we just get concerned at times. We want you to be happy."

"I am happy." Lee answered with a smile. "Believe me I am, men just complicate things."

"Not all men. You can't tar them all with the same brush." Kristy paused before asking a question she had asked a million times before. "Are you ever going to tell me what happened to make you feel this way?"

"I met the most perfect man and I fell deeply in love." Lee replied sadly, giving the same answer she always did.

"Yeah yeah." Kristy groaned, knowing that she would get no further discussion on the subject. "Get up girl, it's your round." She added wanting to change the subject before her friend slipped back into a slump that would consume her for the rest of the evening.

Lee bumped her best friends shoulder again, and planted a peck on her cheek, before clambering out of the booth. She took a mental note of what they all would like, three vodka cranberries, one vodka coke, and what the hell was Nicole thinking, a purple nurple? before making her way across the room towards the bar. Seeing it was fairly busy she waited her turn, her body turned slightly so that she could watch the people dancing away. She jumped as a voice spoke behind her, a voice she thought she recognized, turning around she looked up and into the expressive, loving eyes she had long ago left. Stunned she could do nothing but stare, until a bottle slipped from his fingers and crashed to the floor.

"Jess?"

No matter how hard she tried Jessica Lee couldn't remove her eyes from his face. Her mind raced with questions that her lips refused to ask. How could this be? This couldn't be happening. She was never to see him again. He was never supposed to know. What was she supposed to do now? Keep breathing, just keep breathing, she prompted herself. It took the touch of one of her friends hands on her shoulder to bring her back to earth, that one touch all she needed for her to decide what to do, run. Turning quickly on her heels she ran for the doors, not seeing Sam jump over the bar, glasses and drinks spilling and crashing to the floor, other patrons shouting out their protests as he hastily follow her, frantically calling her name, or her friends rush from their booth caught between wondering what was going on, and the need to help her no matter what.

She pushed open the glass doors and rushed past the bouncers who called out to her asking "is everything alright Lee?" Ignoring them she rushed on until the chill of the night time air bit into her exposed skin, reminding her that she had left her jacket and purse inside, and her car keys that still lay within her purses pocket. She had no where to go. Hearing the door crash open behind her, she frantically searched for some where to hide, but it was no use as the footsteps she would recognize anywhere raced closer and closer.

She heard him pause before her, could feel his eyes take in every inch of her trying to confirm what his mind was telling him couldn't be true, could practically hear his heart thudding against his chest, could hear the pain and desolation mingling with the hope and love when he spoke.

"Jess? Is that really you?"

Just five words, but each one struck her with a vicious blow. She knew she should deny it, knew she should tell him "no" and run away as fast as she could, leave this place she now called home and head once more into hiding, but she couldn't seem to get her legs to move, and when she made the mistake and raised her head, and looked once more into those eyes that told much more than words ever could, she knew she was doomed and crumpled to her knees, tears and sobs breaching the defenses she had raised to keep them back.

She didn't hear her friends, or the bouncers arrive and inquire of her what was going on before rounding on the person they felt responsible for her distress, didn't hear the punches that were thrown as both parties received no answers from either her or Sam, didn't recall anything until she heard a pained gasp finally fall from Sam's lips as the beating increased and he did nothing to retaliate. Sam's body falling to the floor finally pushed her to move, pushed her to shout out at the bouncers to stop as they threw kick after kick Sam's way. She dropped down beside him, as they finally heard her and stopped, cradling his beaten head in her lap as she cried for them to get help, nobody making a move until she turned to Kristy and said. "He's the perfect man."

He recognized the smells and the sounds as he woke, and knew immediately he was in a hospital, even if the reason for him being there was vague. He wracked his brain for answers, but only seemed to stir up the multitude of miniature doozers within his head, and God wouldn't Dean laugh at that. Sam a grown man still thinking about little Fraggle Rock muppets. Dean, oh God, the mention of his name brought fear into his soul. If he was here in a hospital, was Dean too? He tried to get his mind to work again, ignoring the pounding each thought brought him, and the agony that flooded through him when he remembered. Dean wasn't with him, he'd left his brother at that roadside table, and that knowledge brought him more pain than any of the aches he could feel; the neediness he always felt when hurt or ill crippling him.

He winced, as he brought his arm up to shield his eyes as tears fell, his shoulder protesting the movement, and the pinch of an IV letting itself be known. Just what the hell had happened? How did he get here? His heart stopped, his breath catching in his throat as a door opened and another smell teased his senses, a smell he hadn't sensed in five years, a smell that envisioned feelings of love and warmth, a smell that brought everything crashing back, a smell that was pure Jess.

"Jess?" He rasped out, as he tried and failed to see out of eyes that wanted to slam shut every time he tried to open them. "Please." He added when no answer was forthcoming. "Please, I know that you are there, I can smell you. Please don't leave me again." He cried, as his emotions overflowed, his heartbeat increasing, and his body threatening to shut down. He started to try and get out of the bed, needing, wanting to get to her, only to fall back in agony as his body protested every movement. He gasped for air, his back arching off the bed, his hands clutching at the thin sheet that covered his otherwise naked body, her name falling from his lips, until at last he felt the touch he had missed for so long, the touch he had so long wanted to feel, heard the voice that had never failed to calm him and comfort him before, felt the lips so familiar to him press upon his own.

"Calm down Sam, please calm down, you'll only do more damage. Go to sleep my love."

"I don't want to." His eyes battling to open once again. His breath catching in his throat as he finally succeeded and saw the beautiful vision before him.

"Why?"

"I'm afraid that you wont be here when I wake up." Sam whispered out as he finally began to succumb to the pain.

"I'll be here Baby."

"Promise?" Sam begged

"I promise, now go to sleep." Jess replied, taking Sam's hand within her own, whilst her other brushed at his hair, knowing from the past how much comfort this always gave him. She let loose the breath she had been holding as his own breathing finally deepened, her face a mask of worry as she thought of the pain the next few days would bring, as she thought of the explanations she would have to give.

_This time, This place _

_Misused, Mistakes _

_Too long, Too late _

_Who was I to make you wait_

_Just one chance_

_Just one breath_

_Just in case there's just one left_

_'Cause you know,you know, you know_

_That I love you_

_I have loved you all along_

_And I miss you_

_Been far away for far too long_

_I keep dreaming you'll be with me __and you'll never go_

_Stop breathing if_

_I don't see you anymore_

**A.N. . . . . . . . . . . . . So there we are Kris, the first chapter, I hope that you and everyone else reading has enjoyed it? More coming your way soon. Catch you later, Peanut x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Just Keep Breathing.**

**Summary. . . . . . . . . . . He thought he'd left it all behind when he'd walked away from that bench and turned his back on Dean and the hunting life, but a blast from the past changes all of that, and thrusts Sam back into the life he had so hoped to put behind him, forcing him to make a tough decision. Will he make the right call? And just how much will that call cost him?**

**Disclaimer. . . . . . . . . . Still Kripke's, but being the kind man he is, he's allowing me to play in his sandbox.**

**A.N. . . . . . . . . . . . Thanks to everyone who read chapter 1, and to those who reviewed. Here's chapter 2, I hope that you enjoy. Peanut x**

She should have known telling Sam the truth would not be so easy, she should have known that he would awaken the second time, more alert and aware as he always had the few times he had been injured in the past. Alert and aware and desperate to leave the hospital for reasons only known to himself. This time was no different, she'd watched him shift and moan upon the bed, as he slowly drifted back to consciousness; watched as the defined muscles of his chest and arms contracted with spasm of pain; watched as his eyes slowly opened and he scanned the room for something, or someone; watched as realization once more set in, and memories surfaced; watched as he finally sought her out, his always expressive eyes when they landed upon her a mixture of pain and guilt and confusion and hurt, the sensitive brown orbs shining with tears he fought so hard to hold back. Unable to help herself she rose from the chair she had taken up residence in as he fumbled with the sheets and slowly began to rise, hurt rising within her as Sam brushed off her helping hand and stood on legs unwilling to hold him. She could only watch again as he battled to remain standing, battled to ease his pain by taking deep breaths. Deciding to help any way she could, Jess moved over to the closet and took out Sam's torn and blood stained clothing, knowing that nothing anyone could say would keep him here any longer.

"Here you go." She stated as she handed them over to him. "Will you at least let me take you to your motel?" She asked, instinctively knowing that he would be staying in one. "Or would you rather I call Dean for you?" Jess took a step back as Sam's eyes rose to meet hers and captured her with a stare that was riddled with more despair and guilt. Oh God, Oh God, she thought to herself something bad had happened, was Dean dead? After everything she had done, had Sam been left alone anyway? "Sam? What's happened? Where's Dean?"

"He ummm. . . . . . . . . . . .we ummm" Sam stuttered out before coughing to try and clear the blockage that had risen within his throat. "I don't know" He mumbled once the words were able to get through, his voice small and full of emotion. "We decided it would be better if we weren't together anymore."

Jess was stunned, this wasn't how things were supposed to have been, it wasn't supposed to work out like this. She managed somehow to school her racing emotions, and plastered a smile upon her face as she once more walked into Sam's line of sight. "C'mon, get dressed. I'll go and let the doctors know that you're leaving."

"Jess?" Sam whispered, as he grasped a hold of her arm preventing her from leaving. "Is this really you?"

Reaching out, Jess cupped a hand around Sam chin, resting the fingers upon his cheek, startling herself at the rush of feelings that assaulted her from that one simple act, that felt so very right. Oh God, how she had missed him, but she knew she couldn't stay, knew she would have to run again, start her life all over again; but she also knew she couldn't leave this time with out explaining. "Yes Sam, it's really me. Lets get you home and I'll explain everything, I promise."

Sam looked dead to the world by the time Jess finally maneuvered her car into the space in front of his room, the good drugs the doctor had insisted he take to ease the pain of his severely bruised ribs and back, and the agony she knew Sam was likely to be experiencing from the mild concussion he had received. Turning of the ignition, she turned in her seat and studied once again the man she had spent two years of her life with, the man she had loved with all her heart, the man she had thought she would grow old with, not liking for a second what her studying told her. Sure Sam was still as handsome as ever, strong yet gentle, but the last five years had not been good for him, that much she could tell. His cheek bones were more defined, indicating to Jess that he wasn't eating right, and the dark circles that surrounded eyes that were so much older than they should be, told her he definitely wasn't sleeping. He'd bulked up a lot, muscle wise, and whilst it look good, hell it looked very good, Jess missed the way he had once been, missed the Sam she had known every line, every scar, every curve of. Reaching up she brushed a loose strand of too long hair away from his eyes' her hand trailing down his cheek, her thumb trailing across his lips, Oh God she still loved him so much, still wanted him so much, but deep down she knew she couldn't take advantage of this.

Her hand began to fall only to be caught as Sam's rose up to capture it, his eyes slowly opening, revealing in them the need, the want, he also felt. He pulled her across the seat and settled her gentle upon his lap, his hands roaming over her body and face as though convincing himself it was really her, his lips crashing against her own as his mind finally convinced itself that it was. The kiss was lust filled and hard, the needs of both of them conveyed into that one act of passion. Jess managed to break free and whisper "not here" as Sam's hands reached for the buttons of her shirt. Tugging on the door handle, she clambered out and waited for Sam to join her, horrified at her actions now that the bond between them was broken. She couldn't do this, she shouldn't do this. It would only hurt them both all the more when she had to leave, but as Sam rose from the car and looked at her with eyes that spoke of want, of need, feelings that she was sure were echoed within her own orbs, she knew she would give in and offered little resistance as he stalked over to her, and ignoring the pain within his body, scooped her up to his body, her legs wrapping around him.

It was only as she lay there afterwards, spooned against his body in a position that felt so right, that the consequences of her actions began to trouble her. She shouldn't have allowed that to happen, she should have just walked away before he even woke up at the hospital, but she hadn't and now that decision was going to come back and haunt her. She should go now, whilst he still slept beside her, but she knew that by doing so it wouldn't make things any easier, and she had promised Sam an explanation. What would he think of her when she told him what was really out there, and of what she had done? Would he be better off not knowing? She jumped slightly as his arm moved as he began to awaken, his fingers splayed across her stomach, a stomach that began to churn as she began to plan what to say. Maneuvering from beneath his embrace she slowly stood. Gathering her clothes that lay haphazardly around, she began to dress knowing that she would have to make a hasty retreat once she had told her tale. Turning back to the bed as she tied her hair back into a loose pony, she froze as she saw Sam watching her.

"Was you just going to leave again without saying goodbye? But then at least this time I wouldn't have to see you burning upon the ceiling." Sam spat out, all his hurt and pain from the last five years coming out in his words.

"What?" Jess asked, stunned at Sam's words. "What do you mean, burn upon the ceiling?"

"I thought you was dead Jess, I came home and you were burning upon the ceiling, Dean pulled me out of the fire before it consumed me, but you died, you died."

"Oh Sam, I didn't die, I didn't die. I didn't know he would do that or I wouldn't have agreed. I knew me leaving would have been painful enough, you didn't need to see that as well. I'm so sorry, he didn't say he was going to do that."

"Who Jess? Who said he wouldn't do that?" Sam asked, an unease growing deep within him. "Why did you leave? And who said he wouldn't do that?" He asked again as she still kept quiet.

"I'm sorry Sam, but it was the only way."

To Be Continued. . . . . . . . . . . . .

**A.N. . . . . . . . . . Thanks as always for reading, will be back soon with more, Peanut x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Just Keep Breathing.**

**Summary. . . . . . . . . . . He thought he'd left it all behind when he'd walked away from that bench and turned his back on Dean and the hunting life, but a blast from the past changes all of that, and thrusts Sam back into the life he had so hoped to put behind him, forcing him to make a tough decision. Will he make the right call? And just how much will that call cost him?**

**Disclaimer. . . . . . . . . . Still Kripke's, but being the kind man he is, he's allowing me to play in his sandbox.**

**A.N. . . . . . . . . . . . Thanks to everyone who read chapter 1, and to those who reviewed. Here's chapter 3, I hope that you enjoy. Peanut x**

**Okay, so I figured I better get this out there before next week after seeing the preview on Youtube. I swear to God, what you read was already in my mind before I saw the clip.**

* * *

_Previously. . . . . . . _

"_What?" Jess asked, stunned at Sam's words. "What do you mean, burn upon the ceiling?"_

"_I thought you was dead Jess, I came home and you were burning upon the ceiling, Dean pulled me out of the fire before it consumed me, but you died, you died."_

"_Oh Sam, I didn't die, I didn't die. I didn't know he would do that or I wouldn't have agreed. I knew me leaving would have been painful enough, you didn't need to see that as well. I'm so sorry, he didn't say he was going to do that."_

"_Who Jess? Who said he wouldn't do that?" Sam asked, an unease growing deep within him. "Why did you leave? And who said he wouldn't do that?" He asked again as she still kept quiet._

"_I'm sorry Sam, but it was the only way."_

* * *

Jess looked into Sam's eyes, wishing she could take away the pain and anguish she witnessed residing there, but knowing it was too late for that, too much had happened, and too much time had passed, all she could do now was tell the truth and hope that Sam believed her, believed that everything she had put him through had been done so to keep him safe.

"He cornered to me as I was walking to the store for the nurses costume. I just thought he was some kind of loser, but he had such power, and when I looked into his eyes I knew I was in trouble. They were. . . . . . . . . . ." Jess couldn't continue, the fear she had felt that day resurfacing, but it was no where near as bad as what was to come.

"What Jess? What were they? Were they yellow?" Sam asked.

"How do you know that? I've never mentioned that to anyone, how could you know that?" Jess demanded, her eyes growing wild as she figured out how. "You've seen him."

"Yes."

"When?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It matters to me. Was it before I took the deal, or after?"

"After." Sam replied honestly.

"So everything I did, everything I put my family through, everything I put you through was all for nothing? He came after you anyway?"

"I'm sorry Jess. I'm sorry you had to meet him. I know what he is like, what dire things he can do. I'm sorry for what he did to you."

"Don't be sorry Sam, it had nothing to do with you."

Sam wanted to tell her how wrong she was, wanted to tell her the truth, but the words just wouldn't come forth, and he knew if she found out the truth he would never know what happened that night, so he bit down the urge and instead asked. "What happened Jess? Why did you leave?"

"I had no choice." Jess replied, moving over to sit on the window ledge. "I tried to refuse, tried so hard to walk away from them, to turn down the offer yellow eyes gave me, but it was no use, the cost would have been too high."

"What cost Jess? What did they hold over you that could have meant more to me than your life?"

"Your brother's."

"What?"

"They told me if I didn't cooperate they would kill Dean, Sam." She paused to allow her words to sink in, her heart breaking as she witnessed the truth written in Sam's gaze. "I always knew Sam, deep down no matter how hard you tried to hide it, I always knew your brother meant more to you than I ever could." As she watched the tears begin to flow from Sam, Jess slowly stood and moved closer, her hands cupping his face, her fingers brushing aside the tears. "Oh Sam, don't. I knew you loved me, I knew you loved me fiercely, but I always knew that you loved Dean more, and I was okay with that, I had a boyfriend everyone was envious of, but I could never have lived with the guilt if he had have died because of me."

"You could have told me, we could have dealt with it together."

"No we couldn't Sam."

"Yes we could, he was just one demon, we could have banished him back to hell, and then we could have been together all these years."

Jess drew in a breath at Sam's first words, wanting to ask what he meant, pushing it aside for later she said instead. "Sam, when I refused the first time, he kept coming back, I just didn't know what to do."

"You should have come to me, I could have dealt with him, I could have killed him."

"It wouldn't have been that easy Sam, you would have died."

"No, I would have saved you from him."

"Sam, he wasn't the worst thing out there."

"What do you mean?"

"He was tame Sam, compared to the other."

"What other? Jess, what are you talking about."

"The other one that came when I wouldn't take the deal, the one that said he would kill both me and Dean if I didn't agree to his terms. I thought the power radiating from that Azazeal guy was strong, but it was nothing compared to what I felt from him. I had to do it Sam, I'm sorry, but I had no choice. I did what I thought was best for you, and I'm sorry that my actions hurt you, but I would do it all over again without hesitating."

Jess turned back away then, moving back to the window where she stood this time looking out at the street, Sam's previous words coming back to her. She gasped, her eyes widening, her hand covering her mouth as she turned back to him. "You lied. You said you met him afterwards, but you knew what he was. You spoke about banishing him, but how could you have done that if you didn't know he existed? You knew about demons, and about what was out there didn't you. Didn't you!?" She didn't wait for an answer, Sam' silence and guilty look was answer enough, instead she grabbed her bag and fled out of the door, not seeing Sam stand to go after her, or witnessing as he dizzily crashed to the floor.

To Be continued. . . . . . . . . . .

**A.N. . . . . . . . . . . Sorry for the wait on this one, work has been crazy busy. Will try this time to update sooner, catch you later, Peanut x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Just Keep Breathing.**

**Summary. . . . . . . . . . . He thought he'd left it all behind when he'd walked away from that bench and turned his back on Dean and the hunting life, but a blast from the past changes all of that, and thrusts Sam back into the life he had so hoped to put behind him, forcing him to make a tough decision. Will he make the right call? And just how much will that call cost him?**

**Disclaimer. . . . . . . . . . Still Kripke's, but being the kind man he is, he's allowing me to play in his sandbox.**

**A.N. . . . . . . . . . . . Okay, well what can I say, sorry just doesn't seem to be enough for the long wait between chapters, but it's all I can offer. The love and enjoyment, I used to get when I wrote just isn't there at the moment, and whereas sitting down and typing away used to be fun, it got to the stage where it felt like a chore, so I've changed my tactics and don't force it anymore, and although it means longer waits for chapters whilst I try to get back to how I used to feel, I'm happier with the contents, I can only hope that you are too. Thanks to everyone who read chapter 3, and to those who reviewed. Here's chapter 4, I hope that you enjoy. Peanut x**

Sam awoke slowly, feelings gradually making themselves known; the rough texture of the industrial carpet biting into the already bruised and battered flesh of his cheek; smells that, through the years had been ground deep within the fibers, mingled with frssh ones and assaulted his nostrils, smells that brought forth nausea as images of their origination raced through his mind, images that Sam didn't want to think about; harsh light, poking through threadbare curtains, seemed to penetrate past his tightly closed eyelids, to stab harshly into his brain reigniting the volcanic eruptions he swore were taking place there. He tried to raise himself up and away from the stench, and the light, and the hurt, only to find his limbs heavy and uncoordinated, his arms giving out and sending him crashing back down, a splat resonating through the room as his face landed in a mess his body had created. His stomach rolled threatening to expel what little remained there, forcing Sam to dig deep and find enough energy to roll away from the sickness and onto his back, breathing slowly through nose to try and quell the nausea. He fingers found a dropped article of clothing by his side, and with his eyes still closed he brought it to his face to wipe at the congealing mess that resided there, throwing it as far away from him as possible once he had finished.

He stayed where he was for a few minutes longer, trying to will his mind into working, trying to desperately figure out why he was on the floor, battered and bruised and sick. Trying to figure out where he was and why he was alone, surely Dean wouldn't have left him alone in such a state. It was as if a light was suddenly switched on at the thought of his brother's name, and the memories flowed back. The blood, the rising, the aftermath, the changes, the talk, the leaving. He was alone here, alone and hurting, but even as he thought that, even as the sadness started to grip a hold of him, Sam knew that sentiment was wrong, somebody else had been here, but who? He called out softly, not wanting to ignite the pain within his skull anymore, but received no answer in reply. He managed, with effort, to raise himself up so that his back rested against the frame of the too small bed, and cracked open eyes that fought desperately to stay shut, to look around the room for any clues, finding one finally as his gaze landed upon the clothing he had used to wipe at his face, and the air rushed out of his body on one long expelled breath. "Jessica?" He whispered, repeating the word once more, louder this time as he remembered to drag in air again, panicking when no reply was forthcoming. He jumped to his feet, regretting the sudden movement instantly as he swayed where he stood before falling to the bed, his breathing heavy as the nausea threatened to come forth once more. Once calm he used the bed to help him get to the wall, before using that to guide him to where the small bathroom was, she had to be in there, she just had to be. Crushed, he found that she wasn't, she was gone.

He sat down heavily upon the toilet seat, elbows bent on knees, head resting wearily, dejectedly in his open palms. Had she even been here? Was he just imagining her smell, her smile, her touch, her body? He knew though that she had, could still smell the faint traces of her upon his body. But where was she now? Yet more memories raced through his mind, Jess' deal to save Dean, and his own slip of the tongue that had given away the fact that he had kept his own deep secrets for the length of their relationship. Jess' crushed features before she had turned and fled burned behind his closed eyelids, churning his stomach even more. He had to make this right, he had to find Jess, he had to finally tell the truth. He could only hope that once he had done so she would find it in her heart to forgive him. Forcing all aches, pain and exhaustion aside, he willed his body to move, realizing as he reached down for his discarded clothes his first real stumbling block, where to start looking? It was testament to how bad he truly did feel, that it took him a few minutes to start thinking like the hunter he was and figure out the solution. The bar. The bouncers sure seemed to know Jess well, maybe they would be regretful for their actions and tell him where she lived. It was a start, and the only real lead he had at the moment. Pulling on his boots, and ignoring the sudden swaying of the room and black spots that danced before his eyes, he picked up his keys and headed out, his mood darkening as he realized his car was still parked at the bar, and a long walk lay ahead.

The bouncers had been extremely apologetic when he finally walked exhaustedly through the doors of the bar, but not apologetic enough to give away Jessica's address, reluctantly in the end, after much groveling on Sam's part agreeing to call and see if she would be willing to talk to Sam. Sam watched as one of them stepped slightly away to call the number, watched as his posture changed as the call was answered and words exchanged, knowing straight away something was wrong. He grasped at the phone as it was handed to him.

"Jessica?"

"No, this is Kristy, Jess's room mate. Is this Sam?"

"Yes, listen I really need to speak to Jess, it's important, please."

"Sam, Jess hasn't returned home yet. The last I saw of her was when they took you away in the ambulance. I thought she was still with you."

"WHAT? She stayed a while, we talked, we . . . . . . . . . . But she left ages ago. She was upset. Please, if she's there, please let me talk to her."

"Sam, I promise you she's not her, and I'm getting really worried about her, she had an important meeting this morning, there's no way she would have blown her chances of getting this client, no matter how upset she was. Something must have happened."

"Give me your address, I'm coming over."

Sam pulled a pen from his pocket and ripped apart a beer mat to jot down the address Kris gave him, promising he would be there soon and they would find her. He handed back the phone before rushing back outside and over to his car. He was about to place the key in the lock of his beat up Toyota when his phone rang, pulling it out of his pocket he answered hoping somehow that Jess had gotten a hold of his number and it was her. The keys fell from his fingers as he listen to the voice that answered.

"Sammy, it's been a while. Now, now I know you know who this is, and don't even think about hanging up on me, I have someone here who wants to talk to you."

Sam could only listen as Jess' frightened voice begged for help through the ear piece.

**A.N. . . . . . . . . . . Again thank you so much for being patient with me. Catch you again soon, Peanut x**


	5. Chapter 5

**Just Keep Breathing.**

**Summary. . . . . . . . . . . He thought he'd left it all behind when he'd walked away from that bench and turned his back on Dean and the hunting life, but a blast from the past changes all of that, and thrusts Sam back into the life he had so hoped to put behind him, forcing him to make a tough decision. Will he make the right call? And just how much will that call cost him?**

**Disclaimer. . . . . . . . . . Still Kripke's, but being the kind man he is, he's allowing me to play in his sandbox.**

**A.N. . . . . . . . . . . . A huge thank you to everyone who has stuck with me whilst waiting for updates, fingers crossed things are going to get better. For now though here's chapter 5, I hope that you enjoy, Peanut x**

* * *

_Previously. . . . . . . . . . . _

_Sam pulled a pen from his pocket and ripped apart a beer mat to jot down the address Kris gave him, promising he would be there soon and they would find her. He handed back the phone before rushing back outside and over to his car. He was about to place the key in the lock of his beat up Toyota when his phone rang, pulling it out of his pocket he answered hoping somehow that Jess had gotten a hold of his number and it was her. The keys fell from his fingers as he listen to the voice that answered._

"_Sammy, it's been a while. Now, now I know you know who this is, and don't even think about hanging up on me, I have someone here who wants to talk to you."_

_Sam could only listen as Jess' frightened voice begged for help through the ear piece. _

* * *

"Meg! You bitch!" Sam yelled down the phone. "If you've so much as hurt her, I will kill you."

"Now why would I want to hurt such a pretty little thing like this, when I can think of much more fun ways to spend my time with her." The oh so familiar voice taunted back at him. "Now on the other hand, Dean's just begging to be hurt."

"I swear I will find you and when I do. . . . . . . . . ." Sam's anger filled rant cut off abruptly as the demons words broke through his rage filled mind. "Wwhat, what do you mean, Dean's begging to be hurt?" He stuttered out.

"Oh silly me, did I not tell you? Dear ol' Deano decided to join our little party here also, but for some reason I don't believe he's enjoying our hospitality. Listen for yourself and tell me what you think?"

Sam moved the phone away from his ear as Dean's screams assaulted his sense, but it did little to stop the images of his brother from entering his mind, his over active imagination creating different scenarios of what Meg was doing to his brother, each one projecting a scene that gradually grew in gruesomeness.

"Meg, Meg, please stop, please stop hurting him. I'll do anything that you want me to, but please stop hurting him, please don't hurt either of them."

Meg scoffed down the phone. "My, how the mighty have fallen. I can't believe that my Father believed all that hogwash about this grand human leader. I can't believe that I believed it too, listening to you now. You're nothing, pathetic, a piece of something we scrape off the bottom of our shoes. You're not this strong, courageous, intelligent general, listen to yourself, begging at my feet like a typical meat puppet."

"Let them go Meg. Let them go and I swear I will do anything that you want."

"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, now why would I let such good entertainment go? You forget how well I know you Sam, you forget that I spent some time being you, you forget I know how you work. I have no doubt that you will soon be on your knees before me, but only because I have the two lives you cherish most of all, if I let them go you would just roll over and play puppy, but if you believe that you can save them I'll have a fight on my hands. Now which one do you think I would enjoy more?"

"Why are you doing this Meg? If you believe in Lucifer's plans, why are you risking his wrath?"

"I have a score to settle. You've all had a hand in destroying my family, in torturing me, now I get some payback of my own. And as I said Sammy, I did believe, I no longer do. Oh sure on the outside my allegiance is to Lucifer, I do his bidding, but I no longer believe in his words."

"Why Jess? What has she ever done?"

"She was the start of my Father's down fall Sammy. He was supposed to kill her, but instead he thought he could use her. Send her away, make you believe she had died, destroying the last thread that tied you to normalcy and send you racing back into our world, and then at some point bring her back pregnant with his spawn, forcing you to kill her and start your descent into your true vocation. But dear ol' Deano laid those plans to rest, shooting my poor Daddy in the head. We crossed paths later on you know, me and Dean, when he begged to get off the rack I was the first victim he tortured, payback from Lucifer for my failures. He thought I had learned my lesson, thought I was sorry for my sins, but I was just biding my time until he trusted me once more, biding my time until I could pay back those who hurt me. So here we are Sammy."

"You wont get away with this, the Angel's will find you, Lucifer will find you."

"Silly boy, do you really think I would be that naïve? Do you really think that I wouldn't have protection in place, wards and sigils and spells? I've had a very, very long time to plan this, choosing my associates carefully, choosing my plans carefully, nothing will stop me, no one will find me, well not before I have taken the revenge that I so richly deserve. Now Sammy, enough idle chit chat over the phone, I want to see your face. I want to look into your eyes as I torture the ones you love, like you and yours did mine."

"What if I don't come? What if I don't believe you? What if I don't think enough about Jess and Dean?"

"You're stalling Sammy. I told you before, I know you, I've been you. Dean has always meant, and will always mean more to you than your own life. You'd die for him. And Jess dearest ran a close second. You'll come, and you'll come alone, no fallen angels, no crippled hunters, just you Sammy. I'm sending you the coordinates now, don't be late you have five hours."

Sam lowered his hand and stared at the screen of the phone as the dial tone beeped. This couldn't be happening, he had left so that Dean would be safe, and he'd only just found out that Jess was alive, how could things have gotten so bad so quickly? He jumped as the phone vibrated in his hand, trembling fingers desperately trying to retrieve the message that had just been sent, a message he knew he could not ignore, Meg was after all right, Dean and Jessica's lives did mean a lot more than his own. Ignoring the common sense side of his brain that was shouting at him to call Bobby, Sam opened his car door, climbed inside, and gunned the engine. He had to get them back, he had to save them both, and make right the wrongs he had done.

To Be Continued. . . . . . . . . . . .

**A.N. . . . . . . . . . . Thanks for taking time out to read, catch you all again soon with chapter 6, Peanut x**


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